Attachment or Authenticity; which would you choose?

As we stand as adults, attempting to do this ‘adulting thing’, you may wonder why sometimes you just don’t feel much like an adult. It’s strange to think that, once, we were the child whose main concern was when we’d next be hanging out with our friends or, were the lyrics to the Eurythmics’ song really “sweet dreams are made of cheese”? The echoes of such thoughts and feelings are still relevant now during adulting, though somewhere along the line you learnt to sing the correct lyric despite every ounce of your vocal cellular memory desperately holding onto the word cheese.

This is exactly my point, though. No, not cheese—the memories our bodies hold and the connection the body has with the mind, emotions and the environment we were raised in which includes homelife and your wider community.

Our childhood memories, or wiring in the brain, or the subconscious— whatever you may call them, trigger us as adults. These childhood experiences then create coping mechanisms, belief systems and ways in which we relate with our environment.

From the adult perspective, we observe the younger generations and smile at their perceived, yet relative stressors. However, were the amount of playdates you were going to have or the correct lyrics to a song really your greatest worries as a child? If we take a deeper look at our needs as kids,  it’s likely that you were more concerned with being liked, with feeling safe to cry or yell, or to know that you were still loved despite what grade you received in class or whether you won the basketball game. And for some children, their worries were much more serious such as their physical and emotional safety. 

 So, do these concerns of essentially being loved and accepted live on into the adult experience?

 Do they thrust us back into the heart of the inner child when triggered?

 Indeed, they can.

It may look something like this— one minute you’re walking with ease as the ‘adult self’ and the next you’re fretting and sweating about whether to speak up and offer your ideas in the meeting at work or you’re agreeing to help out a family member despite the fact that you’re fatigued and would much rather curl up in a ball on the couch. Or maybe you’re struggling to assert your needs with your partner.

 Where does this come from? That an adult worries about speaking up in a meeting, or struggles to hold boundaries when it comes to saying “no” and instead chooses to please others (often referred to as ‘the pleaser’ archetype)?

In his latest book The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture (Maté, Penguin, 2022), Dr Gabor Maté CM, a much valued Hungarian-Canadian physician and author, discusses the tension that arises between two fundamental needs we each carry from birth: attachment and authenticity.

 A child is born into the world with a great need for care, they need to be: fed, held, sheltered, and helped to sleep. These are basic survival needs of which the family unit must tend to. This creates a relationship of ‘attachment’ between the carer and the cared for. Attachment is the need for physical and emotional connection to others, ‘a drive for closeness’ ‘ (Dr. Gordon Neufeld, child development psychologist in Maté, 2022 pg 105). This drive for closeness is the drive to survive. Without caregivers, family, our tribal connection— we fear we may not survive; we are incredibly vulnerable like a calf who has lost her herd.

 As Dr. Nuefeld suggests, attachment needs extend beyond food and shelter. Emotional attachment is just as important as food and when emotional needs are not met a child and in turn the adult, suffers. We learn very early on to do everything we can to ensure our own physical and emotional health and wellbeing which, as a child, depends on the type and amount of care we receive.

Children are raised receiving feedback on their behaviour, their emotional expression, their choices, their bodies, and achievements or lack thereof. As a child, you may recall hearing phrases like “children are seen and not heard” whilst guests are over or “good girl” after getting something ‘right’ or “that behaviour is not acceptable” after becoming angry. Along with these verbal cues for what is desirable or not, your caregivers and those in authority such as your teachers would have shown clear body language and facial expressions to further communicate the positive or negative feedback to you.

 So we adapt our behaviour based on the messaging we receive as to what’s acceptable and what’s not. That way, we can attempt to maintain physical and emotional safety. Or so the child hopes. These learned behaviours and coping mechanisms then trigger beliefs such as ‘if I am a good girl, or if I please others or if I contain my anger, I will be loved or perhaps for some children—I will be safe’.

It’s important to look back on your childhood responses and reactions, conscious or not, with the utmost love and compassion.

We then find ourselves as an adult questioning whether to speak up in a meeting or saying “yes” to please others. It’s the narrative ‘make sure I am safe, liked and accepted’ playing out. It’s the connections we made early on within the body-mind.
It’s also important then, to reflect on our adult selves with that same love and compassion. 

Whilst this dynamic is weaving through our developing psyche we are also developing as an individual. This is where authenticity joins the party. When it comes to the idea of authenticity, many wonder what authenticity actually feels and looks like.

 Dr. Maté aptlly articluates authenticity as ‘the quality of being true to oneself, and the capacity to shape one’s own life from a deep knowledge of that self… knowing our gut feelings when they arise and honouring them’ (pg 106).

 The authentic self communicates heart-centred desires or choices. These can feel in opposition with staying attached. So in order to stay attached (read ‘accepted, loved and/or safe), we are often faced with conflicting feelings— one from the heart and one from the brain-centred attachment system. This happens in little and big ways when we are quite young, for example— the desire to dress as a pirate for school which goes against the school uniform. As a primary schooler, I have a vivid memory of choosing to wear a bright red jumper and knee high socks to my school where everyone wore dark green and white. I look back and chuckle at how boldly I would have stood out on the playground. However, I was given space to be authentic. The very word ‘uniform’ describes the tension between Self and Other and what Other is often asking of us— ‘having always the same form, manner, or degree : not varying or variable’ (Merriam-Webster https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/uniform).

 Do you recall being a teenager and the decisions you made about how you dressed, what music you listened to, whether you expressed opinions or not, and more importantly — the level of risks you were willing to take? Did you try to fit-in? Ask yourself these questions in regard to not just school life but home life as well. If we are to apply the concept of authenticity to the highschool experience it would be one of belonging rather than the pain of fitting in (think square peg-round hole).

 Brené Brown, American researcher and storyteller, says

“I define belonging as the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing. In fact, fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” (Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, 2012, pg 145)

 So we make the decision to maintain attachment/fitting in and suppress our authenticity /heart-self and gut instinct. You might suppress: your voice, your skills, your wisdom and knowledge, your emotions, your intuition, your physical attributes and strengths or your heart’s playfulness, lightness and inspiration. This suppression becomes our undoing across all levels of health. Dr Maté defines suppression as ‘the conscious inhibition of one’s own emotional expressive behaviour while emotionally aroused’ ‘ (pg 100).

 You may be thinking, does lack of authenticity really have an affect on my health? Especially given the normalcy of it all?  In answer to this question, Dr. Mate writes

‘…  voluminous research that in the past half century has shed a light on how stress, including the stress of self-suppression, may disturb our physiology, including the immune system’. (pg 99). (Note— I’ll be discussing in the next blog how the immune system is linked to your heart energy).

 When it comes down to the choice between external attachment, connection and safety in the world with the internal connection to self, deep knowledge and gut instinct, perhaps we can choose the middle way.

 Perhaps we could ask of our society and culture that together we create a safe, inclusive environment in the home and in the community for our children — one that nurtures belonging. Perhaps we could not ask of parents that they raise their child(ren) alone, rather they are woven into the fabric of the village once again. The village, where each individual is seen and heard, challenged and at the same time, supported.

 Perhaps then, in turn, the internal authenticity of each heart emanates outwardly, gut instinct is honoured and external attachments are lightly held like a silk web or threads of a lifelong tapestry. 

 In my next blog, I’ll be sharing with you how Eastern Medicine contributes to this understanding through the ancient wisdom of the Yogic-Chakra system and Traditional Chinese Medicine. I’ll even be linking this back into our anatomy and physiology. These energy systems not only shed light on this discussion, they also give us access to healing, authenticity and keeping ourselves safe. 

 To finish with the lyrics of Annie Lennox, as she sings about the search for fulfillment:

“Sweet dreams are made of this

Who am I to disagree

I travel the world and the seven seas

Everybody's looking for something…” (The Eurythmics, Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This), 1983)

 If this resonates with you, please reach out and book a kinesiology appointment with me, I’d love to help whether you’re a child or, doing the adulting thing.

Kate is available on Tuesdays and Wednesdays at Live Well. You can book online or call reception on 0262950400