How To Manage Emotionally Immature Family Members at Christmas Time
Families aren’t always fun. Interacting with your in-laws (or outlaws!) at Christmas time can be stressful and emotionally painful when they don’t have the capacity to connect or communicate with you as reasonable and emotionally mature equals.
Emotional immaturity is a symptom of unaddressed trauma and unmet childhood needs. When people haven’t learned the skills to understand, regulate and communicate their own emotions effectively, often behaviours that we consider ‘toxic’ become the way these emotions are expressed.
If spending time with family members results in you feeling:
Loaded with expectations that their needs must come first (and they throw tantrums, give the silent treatment or gossip about you if you don’t prioritise them)
‘Gaslit’ when they refuse to show remorse or take responsibility for the harm their words or actions have caused you
Like the one responsible for ‘holding it all together’…
You might be an adult child of emotionally immature parents. This means you’ll be the one left doing the emotional gymnastics so everyone else - feels better, gets along, or doesn’t ‘blow up’ - at the cost of your own mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.
Most people who have the self-awareness to engage in therapy are there because someone else who really needs it won’t go! If there’s someone in your life that doesn’t have the emotional maturity required to contribute to a mutually beneficial and respectful relationship here are few first aid tips to keep your own energy safe during the silly season:
Notice what your body is telling you. Start to get familiar with your signs of stress such as:
tight jaw and shoulders (the fight/defence response),
fidgety limbs or fast heart rate (the flight/flee response)
a combination of these with the desire to ‘fix it’ for someone (fawn/appease response)
Take a moment (in private if you can) to acknowledge these feelings to yourself. This might sound simply like saying to yourself – ‘I notice I’m feeling X right now’
Validate that feeling – validating statements sound like ‘it makes sense I feel that way because’… mum has a habit of dismissing my needs (for example!)
Reassure that part/feeling you’re available for it – even if you can’t ‘fix’ or change things, following these steps generally leads to a decrease in the initial emotional intensity or stress you felt.
After these steps you can create or try possible solutions, these could include protecting your boundaries by saying no to requests with kindness and compassion or removing yourself from conversations, obligations or events where you don’t feel safe or respected.
If these actions cause a negative response in others, know it’s not your responsibility to manage their emotions.
You might need some aftercare for your own emotions. This looks like taking steps 1-4 again and participating in some healthy grounding and soothing activities like a cool shower, walking in nature, feet stomping, limb shaking or humming.
If you’d like some 1:1 support in navigating your nervous system in the face of these seasonal triggers or to learn and practice using these skills, I’m offering telehealth video call sessions you can join from anywhere throughout the summer holiday period.
You can access these using the 2025 Kickstarter Offer for $475 to get one 90 minute plus two 60 minute sessions at a saving of $145.
