Calm doesn’t mean regulated! Staying well in times of crisis.

Contrary to what social media is churning out, regulation is not staying calm all the time. 

In fact, what some people describe as ‘calm’ is actually a state of frozen - looking so serene on the outside but a total mess on the inside (this was me for so much of my life!). For others, they’re calm, but when you need them to actually do something, they just can’t seem to get going - this calm looks nice but can sometimes be less helpful in real life. 

Then for some, when the going gets tough, they get going so much that they burn out. Right when we need them the most, they have nothing to give. Or they get going so much they accidentally explode all over everyone and everything - the job gets done, but there are a few casualties!

Things are hard for most of us right now. And when the world seems like it’s losing the plot, we need regulation more than ever. 

What is regulation?

Regulation is our ability to feel everything without becoming overwhelmed or getting stuck in any particular emotion, nervous system state, behaviour, or thought pattern. It’s having access to all of ourselves and being able to respond to what is happening here and now without getting caught up for too long in that response.

It’s the ebb and flow between doing a lot and doing less, between good and bad, between external and internal, between big and small, between challenge and success, between threat and safety. 

When you can regulate, you can show up to appropriately meet the needs of the moment and feel all the feelings, without regretting how you responded later.

And, while our nervous system sometimes has to move away from connection to respond to a challenge or threat, regulation importantly allows us to move back into a state of connection as soon as it’s available again.

It doesn’t make us a better or worse person, it just makes life easier. 

So how do we regulate?

Resourcing

First it is important to know what is supportive, nourishing and helpful for us personally, our resources. This list is not transferable between people – what I find resourcing will absolutely not be resourcing for someone else, and vice versa. Resources can be internal or within us (breathing, body tracking, embodied mindfulness, visualisation), and external or around us (friends, family, nature, hobbies). When we can find and connect with the skills we have within us and around us, our body understands that there is more than just ‘hard’ or ‘unjust’ or ‘painful’. This is an important starting point as we cannot be well without the side of life that is ‘less bad’. Check your internal and external resources – are there any you could add? Any that you could draw on more often? 

Capacity

Second, we need to build our capacity. Capacity is how much up and down, good and bad, easy and hard we can handle in our life without getting stuck in anger or exhaustion. When our capacity is small, things are harder to manage. When we have a larger capacity, we can move more easily between nervous system states, emotions, and thought patterns. Stress and trauma inherently narrow our capacity, but building our tolerance widens it.

Learning to consciously switch between states is another way to build capacity; choosing to move between ‘easier’ and ‘harder’ emotions and experiences, letting ourselves feel the ‘bad’ and then the ‘good’, and noticing what that’s like in the body. Gently stretching how long we can comfortable be in a state is another way to build capacity; learning to be with an emotion or experience and watch how the body moves through it. This is especially important for things that make us angry, sad, grieve, guilty, or just plain uncomfortable. We cannot grow our capacity without learning to be with these emotions.

Rest

Third, we need to cultivate rest. Without a pause, we cannot regulate. Our bodies and brains are built to get ready to do a thing -> do that thing -> finish that thing -> make meaning from what happened, reflect, and learn -> rest -> then get ready again. This cycle happens many times a day, yet most of us are moving from one thing to the next without stopping to slow down and reflect and then take that small pause. It doesn’t have to take very long, but it’s powerful and very important for regulation. And of course – the big rest, sleep! This is one I also struggle with myself, but I know when I can support my sleep to be good, my ability to regulate is so much better.

Mobilising 

When we face injustice, our body gears us up to do something about it. When we can’t, or shut this down with ‘positive thinking’, we can become frozen. Many people are experiencing this right now, feeling like there are too many issues that are too big for us to do anything about. Turning away or pretending it isn’t there doesn’t work, because our nervous system detects this injustice anyway and is gearing us up to fight it no matter how much we ‘love and light’ it or practice acceptance.

The key to managing this, is to mobilise in the direction of justice, goodness, or positive change. Finding one small thing you can do and doing that as often as you are available to, or doing some bigger things if this is within your means also. Notice how much more available for both good and bad in your life you become when you make the change that is needed. It could be calling your MP, signing petitions, donating to a cause, creating a co-op, joining your child’s P&C, checking out opportunities in your local area…no matter how big or small, mobilising in the face of injustice (with appropriate rest!) keeps us alive and well. 

Of course, this list is not exhaustive and each of these steps requires practice, nuance, and support. But if you can practice any of these, you will be taking steps towards greater regulation in yourself and the world around you as your internal shifts ripple out into your world. And as always, all the staff at Live Well are here to support you however we can.

Learn more about Anna’s work and book online here